Chapter 2
"Why did you reject it?"
Speaking honestly, I can't comprehend this.
Just what the hell is going on?
Before me was Natsumi with sullen expression eating her snugly bento. Be it this room with no people, or her appearance itself, I had a strong remembrance that couldn't be called a coincidence.
And it's not just that.
This morning, before coming to school, inside the class, on lunch break and on countless other occasions I was attacked by a Déjà vu which made me greatly perplexed. I only felt dizziness from that sensation, as if the pages of my memory were forcibly flipped at terrible speed.
"Isn't that given? I just got the first place by pure chance, in the end, it's just on the level of a hobby."
Even these words felt like they were being read from a set script, and while I can't say it for certainty, I didn't even feel like I was the one saying them.
Just what is this?
"Come on, why are you saying that, Riichi? Even though you've got quite the talent for it. And besides, I, um... I l-like that picture you took, you know......?"
"If you are embarrassed about it then don't say it in the first place. Even I'm becoming embarrassed."
"Wha!? And here I took my time to praise you! Don't look away now!!"
Our conversation advanced despite my bewilderment. Even that felt weird, like I was re-watching a Drama I saw once.
I somehow knew what Natsumi was going to say after this, and even the reply I would give. But, that's just strange, isn't it? This is the reality, not like some answer checking from a reference book that I've solved many times, is it? What is this really? What's with this situation......
"Shut up! I'm saying you don't understand it, how to sense the distance between people."
Right, after this, for example. Natsumi would readily present her head to me, but I would be too embarrassed to obediently respond to it and would play a prank on her by flicking her forehead.
"......Anyway, hurry up and pet me."
See. It happened as I predicted.
"Wha ah yuu doin!"
"Pfft, what a weird expression."
"So cruel!!"
Ah, damn. Following my memory like this annoyed me, so rather than a forehead flick I pinched her cheek instead, but it seems I made her angry.
"Natsumi."
"I don't know you anymore."
"Sorry, it was my bad."
"Hmph!"
She faced the other way with a pout, but it was clear from her expression that she wanted something.
"I said sorry."
"Ah."
In the end, I gave in and gave her a head pat.
This was also in my memories, but seeing her satisfied expression, I just thought it was fine to do it. Also, her hair felt nice to the touch as always.
"Why did you stop?"
"Eh, should I keep going? I've been patting you for good three minutes already, you know?"
"T-The time doesn't matter for things like this. Just satisfy me properly......"
Ah, damn. Cute things are cute, even if you know about them.
"This should be enough for today. At any rate, it's Christmas Eve the day after tomorrow."
It happened when I said it.
The strongest sense of Déjà vu so far came to assault me.
It felt as if a box with a thousand pictures in it was being forcibly turned over. Several of them, which got chosen against my will, all lead to an undesired future.
"Agh──"
That's right. That fresh blood was too red and left a slippery, warm sensation on my cheek.
"It's burning─!!!"
Those flames blazed up, burning so brightly it even burned the eyes.
──Bang!
"Riichi......?"
Natsumi looked up at me as I suddenly stood up. But I've had no composure to answer those curious eyes of hers.
After all...After all, if what I just saw wasn't just some Déjà vu but something that actually happened in reality, would Natsumi die...again...?
"Ha...Haha."
I couldn't reject the possibility.
Because the anxiety knocking strongly on my heart was informing me of one fact.
That Natsumi had already died several times.
That I had seen that happen many times, but each time I convinced myself that it was just a dream.
"Hey, what's wrong, Riichi. You've got a terrible complexion."
She was that worried about me, but there's no way I could just tell her everything was all right. The chills on my body weren't from the chillness of winter, much less from the bad physical condition.
This girl who was gently holding my hand right now might die. It was due to my conviction towards such unrealistic future.
"Natsumi."
"What is it?"
"About Christmas Eve, do you want to see Abies Tower illumination no matter what?"
"What happened all of a sudden?"
"Please, just answer me."
"Well, yeah, I do, but why all of a sudden?"
"No, it's nothing."
I sat down a little roughly and stretched my hand towards the rice ball in front. As I roughly bit down on it in order to shake off my inner anxiety, the sourness of the plum stimulated my tongue. And with that, my head cleared up. We've met the Christmas Eve outside so far. In that case.
"About Christmas Eve, won't you come over to my place?"
"W-What? That was so sudden."
"Abies Tower can be seen from my balcony too. So, isn't it fine?"
Right, it should be fine inside the house. Trees won't come crashing down inside it, so it is the safest place to be.
"Riichi, even for an invitation, wasn't there a bit better way? Ah, I'm not saying I dislike the forceful approach. But, um... how should I say, even I have a situation I wish for..."
...What is she saying all of a sudden? Why is her face so red? I simply told her I wanted for us pass the Christmas Eve at my house—Ah... so that's it.
"Sorry, Natsumi. Wait a bit. How should I say, you misunderstood it."
"Misunderstood you say? But inviting me over on Christmas Eve......means that, right...?"
No, well...that might be how it usually is, huh!? But this is no time for that, is it!? Well, that said, it's not like such thoughts never crossed my mind either.
"T-That wasn't my only goal."
"...Really?"
How should I even answer when she's showing me those upturned eyes. Why are there no Déjà vu now when I need them the most!? ...Maybe because something like that didn't happen between us yet.
"Well, leaving that aside, are you sure about spending the Christmas Eve at home?"
"Yeah..."
Please stop with that delicate voice. It's shaking my desires.
The reason I was able to have a peace of mind at that moment, was because deep down, I thought that everything would turn out fine.
Deep down, I thought optimistically. That the death scene of Natsumi I witnessed thrice, and the rewind of time on each of those occasions were too unrealistic, so they had to be a dream after all.
Truly, what a fool I was.
Despite reality being much severe, and unforgiving.
"Riichi, it's embarrassing so...turn off the lights."
"Y-Yeah. That's right."
The illumination of the room died down along with a click. The only things faintly clearing away the sudden darkness were the moonlight passing through the curtains and the gaudy shopping district seen in the distance. The reason I was restless rather than being able to relax in this room I was supposed to be familiar with, was most likely due to the faint rustles of clothes that reached my ears.
The wavering mood stroked not only my ears but also my heart, and due to that, I couldn't relax at all. My throat gave out rough noises, and my heart was unable to settle down no matter how many times I took a deep breath.
"Riichi, it's fine now."
Her voice that had all the courage mustered into it made my shoulders jump up.
"...Don't stare...too much."
When I turned around, Natsumi stood there,within the darkness, in nothing but her underwear.
"S-Stop staring..."
"S-Sorry."
Her feeble appeal made me turn my gaze away in fluster. But there was the sweater I just took off lying there, and it filled me up with inappropriate embarrassment.
"......"
"......"
As stood there without saying a word, the room got filled with strange atmosphere mixed with unbearable excitement.
There was a sound of gulping the saliva, but I didn't know which of us were responsible for it.
But even so, I at least understood that both of us were full of tension.
I released a small sigh. I turned towards her after resolving myself, and there stood Natsumi hugging herself in a helpless manner.
Her white underwear was far too pure, even more so when compared to the dark lust of my base desires. But the abundant breasts that filled it were bursting with sex-appeal and felt very, very inviting.
"......"
......Crap, I don't know what to do.
The events led to this situation, but how do I proceed now? No, seriously. I really don't know. I decided to take a step forward, and Natsumi held her breath. Her tensed up expression invited even more impatience in me.
"Riichi."
Her moist eyes looked up at me. Shaken by her insecure look, my heartbeat became even louder.
"N-Natsumi."
"......Yeah."
"I love you!"
My abrupt confession reverberated within the room. Did I just confess AFTER stripping? Wasn't it too abrupt to confess like that? My stupidity moved me to tears.
"Natsumi, I love you."
But even so, it was something I had to convey to her, no matter how awkward or uncool it turned out.
"...Riichi."
Natsumi became shy from delight even from such clumsy confession.
"I love you. I love you, Riichi."
It happened when she said those words.
The shock that reverberated through my whole body.
"Kya!?"
"Wha!?"
It's an earthquake! The moment I thought that, the room bookshelf fell down, as if aiming for Natsumi...
"Natsumi!!"
──Crash!
It gave off a crude sound.
And before my eyes was Natsumi with blood spilling from her head.
"Huh?"
I raised such idiotic voice while staring at her blood that gradually spread through the carpet, and my consciousness was cut off there.
▼
“─!?”
Once again, I shot upright and checked my smartphone.
December 22.
“Kh!”
In a fit of rage I flung it away and after bouncing on the floor it glided towards the corner.
“Don’t fuck with me damnit!”
At this point, I wasn’t even sure where my anger was directed at. Even so, these absurd circumstances forced me to say something or I wouldn’t be able to calm down.
“What the heck is this. Just what is going on!?”
Even my angry yell disappeared through my lifeless room, there being no one to hear my words.
A hopeless sense solitude and emptiness started to assault me. On top of the chilly air in my room, even my heart started to be dyed in coldness.
“Just what...is happening…”
This was already the fourth time based on my memories...where I saw Natsumi die. And my fifth time to wake up on the morning of December 22.
I couldn’t make heads or tails of it anymore. I had no idea of what was going on...why was it happening to me.
Why did she die even in this room. Wasn’t she just there? She lay over there, and the blood…
“Ugh!”
When that scene floated up in my mind, a strong feeling of nausea welled up within me. I rushed towards the bathroom and hung my head on the bowl, and started vomiting everything I ate last night.
“Uegh, haah, haah… Fuck.”
I gasped out, my mouth tasting of vomit as I sank to my knees. My head throbbed in pain, reducing my vision. Was this it? Was I helpless now that I got caught in this loop...this cage of time? Such fears filled my being.
“Please, I don’t care who...at least tell me the cause of this…”
But alas, just who would answer those words? Just who would answer to me, being all by my lonesome in this narrow toilet…
“Give me a break.”
Maybe because I kept vomiting for a while, I could feel something strange bubbling out from deep within me. That strong, stormy emotion painted over the anxiety that was assaulting my mind prior to it.
I see. I’m pissed, huh.
This emotion was the same as the one when I woke up.
It was the anger towards this unreasonable, absurd and completely nonsensical state of affairs.
What was the cause of it?
What was the trigger and how did it work?
I pondered as I drank the water I fetched from the fridge.
Why did I end up in this situation, why was I suffering like this?
But the information I possessed was far too little. I only had a rough idea that I was looping between December 22 and 24.
“Is it Natsumi’s death?”
I have no proof. But I’m certain that I lose consciousness right after witnessing her death.
Hey, I don’t know who is making me go through all this, but…
“At least show your face.”
Otherwise, I can’t make any sense of this at all.
But still, I think I’ve made a little breakthrough. It’s certainly an irrational situation, but still, I just have to understand it.
What is this situation, what is the cause, and what should I do to break away from the present condition. In order to figure that out, I have to act.
“Fortunately, I have some clues.”
Thus, I sat before my PC.
Why? To watch the movies, of course.
Currently I’m trapped in what is commonly referred to as time rewind, time leap and loop. Well, that’s unless I’m dreaming or just going crazy.
But if I’m right, then there’s no problem. Even someone as unknowledgeable in the field as me knows a few of those movies. If I watch those, I might stumble on some kind of hint.
“I have to at least let Natsumi know, though.”
“I feel sick, so I’ll be taking a day off.”
Even as I sent that short message, I felt anguished remembering the scene of her death. I was filled with a sense of duty: I had to do what I must in order to not let Natsumi die any more than this.
Booting up the PC I looked up the titles I could remember and binged through them one after another. Loops that many protagonists faced. Their thoughts, their imaginations, their actions. Those were all the things I needed to know now. Thus, I kept on watching, praying that I could find some kind of clue that would help me among them.
“Riichi, are you sure you are alright?”
“I said I am. You really are a worrywart, Natsumi.”
Thus came December 23. This time, I properly attended school and participated in the school-wide cleaning. After all, if it took two days off, Natsumi would be worried something was up.
“I don’t know, you still look a bit unwell, you know?”
Well, that’s natural. I was watching movies from morning to night, and continued all the way until the dawn came, thinking of a way to break out of this loop.
Thanks to that, I was lacking sleep. Though that also backed up my excuse of feeling unwell yesterday, so I was not sure how to feel about that.
“Don’t worry. It’ll go away after a night of sleep.”
“Really?”
Natsumi observed me with a worried look. Since I arrived at school, she’s been asking me about how I felt at every opportunity.
“Rather, were you fine yesterday? You have no one to talk to if I’m not there, right?”
“O-Of course I was!!”
“Your voice is trembling there.”
"Leave me alone, Riichi you idiot!”
“Ah, wait. Slow down or you’ll get hurt.”
She ignored my warning and hurried ahead. Though I was the one carrying most of it, it was still quite admirable that she managed to run up the stairs with all that trash in her hands.
As I chased after her fluttering hair, we arrived at the rooftop. The clear, blue sky of winter was spread out above us, but the blowing wind was chilly, and the temperature was not exactly the kind where one would last with only a jersey.
“It’s cold.”
“Hey. Let’s quickly drop these off and return, okay?”
She got rid of the trash as she said that, making the pile a little bigger.
“Isn’t this growing a little too big?”
“Well, a lot of things happened recently, like cultural and sports festivals.”
As a proof to that, the trash pile contained things with “Yakisoba”, “Haunted House”, “Red Team”, “Score Board” and other similar writings.
It’s been a little over half a year since I met with Natsumi. I even felt that this pile contained a lot of our memories of this time period.
“You can even see the Abies Tower quite clearly from here.”
“Yeah, you are right.”
The reason I came here during the second loop was because of that. I knew that we would be able to see the Abies Tower without obstructions.
“I hope tomorrow would be clear too.”
“It should be fine. They said it might get a bit worse the day after though.”
“Hope they aren’t off. Those weather forecasts aren’t all that accurate.”
“It’s cold enough as is. It wouldn’t be a joke if it started raining on top of that.”
“Exactly. Maybe I should ask Mr. Santa for that. “I don’t need your presents, just give me a clear weather tomorrow” or something.”
“Why would you request that. Wouldn’t asking for gifts be better?”
“Eh, I don’t really mind that. I get to be with you, after all. Right?”
Those words stunned me for a moment. To clearly express her feelings like this, she truly has changed a lot since we met.
“Why are you looking so melancholic?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I was just thinking that even that hedgehog Natsum has changed a lot.”
“W-Who are you calling a hedgehog.”
“It's the truth, isn’t it?”
“No it’s not!”
She stuck her tongue out, then turned around and walked away. As I chased after her back, I turned around to take one final look at the Abies Tower.
I’m not going to let Natsumi die ever again.
Thus came December 24. Just like before, I was waiting for Natsumi at the meet-up place on the shopping district. I am in a loop. After being aware of that fact, I wasn’t sure what to do and all that tension I felt during the appointment was nowhere to be seen.
Far from that, I was calmly looking around and observing my surroundings.
Maybe there was something off somewhere? Maybe if I could find some kind of change that I overlooked the last time, it could become a hint to get out of this loop.
I felt like I was playing photo hunt.
But the movies I watched taught me that this was an important thing to do in order to get out of the loop.
Although there were countless works dealing with time loops, only a few of those served as a reference. Most of them were stories about protagonists trying to avoid the heroines meeting their tragic fates, starting with a small thread and and reeling it in, making their way towards the correct route. Are you some kind of detectives or what! I retorted, but that was apparently the best way of handling it.
“What are you looking so serious for?”
“Woah!?”
Because I was so lost in thought, the voice coming from my side made me jump in surprise.
“Are you a bit too surprised?”
Responding with that teasing remark was today’s latecomer, Natsumi.
“Sorry. Did I make you wait?”
“Not at all. That aside, those clothes look good on you.”
“R-Really? Ehehe, thanks.”
Before I knew it, I became able to say even these kind of lines without hesitation. And so, we headed towards the street, walking together through the shopping district full of people.
While passing a fun time like this, I made sure to keep one thing imprinted into my mind.
That was to avoid her “I love you”.
The day before yesterday, after I finished watching the movies, I desperately pondered. What did I have to do to escape from the loop? What was the cause behind this? Why was it me?
Unfortunately, however, I could not figure out the origin or the reason, however when it came to breaking free from it, I found one small but definite hint.
At first, I assumed that Natsume’s death itself was the trigger. However, after thinking back on it really hard, I noticed that that wasn’t the case.
"Agh──"
When Natsumi collapsed while vomiting blood.
“It’s burning─!!”
When she was clad in flames.
And even the last time, when she collapsed in my room, she died right after saying “I love you”, followed by me losing consciousness and looping.
"I love you. I love you, Riichi."
If these appealing words were indeed the trigger, there could be nothing more miserable than this. However, if saying those words lead to Natsumi’s death and looping, then I had to avoid them no matter the cost.
"Riichi, look! Aren't these clothes cute?"
“Yeah, they are.”
“Is something on your mind again?”
“No, you are imagining it.”
“Lies. You were definitely spacing out just now. Come on, stop being in such a daze.”
Looking at the pouting Natsumi, I thought to myself.
Do I really have to avoid that “I love you” at all costs?
Even though I love her so much?
“No, I guess it’s the other way, huh...” I muttered in a low voice so that Natsumi walking next to me couldn’t hear.
I had to avoid those words exactly because I loved her so much. If I didn’t wish to see her dead body once more, I had to avoid it no matter what. Regardless of the sorrow it would bring.
Thus, the day darkened as we passed the time strolling the streets.
“Natsumi, let’s get on the train for a bit.”
“? Where are we going?”
“To this one nice spot.”
“What kind of answer is that,” Natsumi chuckled in response as we boarded the train. It traveled on elevated ground and we could clearly see the dazzling Christmas Eve townscape through the windows.
The rattling of the train as it sped along the rail incited a quiet anxiety in my chest.
19 hours ago.
I don’t know the exact time, but even so, this time period should be when I usually loop. If I somehow evade that, I should be able to escape from this absurd situation too.
But for that, there is one thing I must do no matter what.
“Hey Riichi. Isn’t it a bit cold?”
As the doors opened, the blast of the wind made Natsumi to cuddle closer to me. I grasped her hand and slipped it into my pocket. My heart started beating loudly. Her fingers, entwined with mine as if depending on me, gave me the courage I so needed.
It was this hand. To protect this very hand, I had to strengthen my resolve.
Our figures reflected in the dark windows were heartlessly contrastive, filling me with sadness. I wonder why? Why is it that, even though Natsumi has such a gentle and happy expression, I am staring at the window with such an empty expression?
Between our entwined fingers and our contrastive expressions, I was losing sight of which of them were my true feelings.
“Oh, the next stop is where your house is, Riichi… Are we getting off there?”
I responded to her words tinged with expectations with a shake of my head.
“...”
Without a word I grasped her hand in my pocket.
Gently, as if not to break it.
Hoping that my feelings would reach her.
I'm sorry, Natsumi.
But know that what I'm about to do now is by no means a betrayal.
I will definitely apologise for it later.
I will properly make up for it, and if it doesn't appease you, you can be angry at me.
Sorry. I'm...honestly sorry.
The train slid into the station platform and the doors opened. Several passengers passed by before us.
“Natsumi.”
“What is it, Riichi?”
The departure announcement rang out.
“This will be it for today.”
I quickly separated our entwined fingers. And just as the doors started to close, I got down to the platform. Instead of pulling her along with me, I left Natsumi back in the train. Her fingertips, dangling in midair and trembling painfully, spoke for her expression.
“Eh?”
She sounded dumbfounded, lost even. And hearing that voice shook my heart to the core, but I still turned my back on her.
I desperately endured as the train prepared to depart, restraining my legs that tried to return back to her with all my might. If I returned now, everything would come to nothing. Don’t forget why you got off the train.
You love her, don’t you?
You don’t wish to see her die once again, do you?
If so, then grit your teeth and stand your ground, Riichi!
And when tomorrow comes, I can run to her side once again.
And then, I will even prostrate before her and apologise with all my heart, telling her that this was a mistake...and...and, she may not believe me but I will try to explain the situation to her, and-
“—”
A soundless shock escaped from my mouth. Why? I even made sure to get off with the timing where she could not possibly make it in time to come after me.
“Announcement: the emergency stop button of the platform has been pressed, and we will depart once we confirm the safety of the passengers. I repeat: the emergency stop button of the platform has been pressed, and we will depart once we confirm the safety of the passengers.”
Hearing the repeating announcement, I looked up at the speaker installed on the ceiling in pure shock.
The warmth I felt on my back squeezed me even tighter. Her hands that I left to dangle emptily were wrapped tightly around my waist as if they would never let me go again.
“Why!?”
“—”
Hearing her heartbroken cry almost shattered my heart.
“Tell me, Riichi. Did I do something wrong? Did I make you angry? If so, I will apologise. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Riichi.”
No. That’s not it, Natsumi. I am the one who needs to apologise, you did nothing wrong...so...so…
“Don’t let out such a miserable voice.”
Ah, this is impossible.
I just can’t make myself to hurt her like this.
“Riichi, you are too forceful.”
“So what?”
Before I realised it, I had turned around and was squeezing her tightly. In order to heal the pain in my heart...in order to heal the sadness I caused her, even if temporarily.
But..
“Hey, Riichi. You see, I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?”
But I shouldn’t be doing this. At this rate...I’ll fail again.
"I love you. I love you, Riichi."
Because that would result in Natsumi confessing like this. And I would end up hearing that confession.
And when that moment came to pass, I obtained my final confirmation.
That it was really her confession, her “I love you” towards me, that ended up killing her.
That regardless of anything, that fact would stay unchanged.
“Safety on the platform has been confirmed and we will depart now. Please step behind the yellow line.”
Otherwise, this would not make sense, right? Why else would the train that started speeding up suddenly derail? Why would it roll Natsumi, who was supposed to be in my embrace, into the accident, as if to rob her from me!?
That doesn’t make sense!
What is this situation!?
Why did Natsumi...why only her!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
My sorrowful wails disappeared into the sky.
And my consciousness was cut shot.
▼
Thus, I woke up to the morning of December 22 for the sixth time.
I slowly rose up, and instead of grabbing the camera I impulsively drove my fist into the desk. The pain gradually spread though my hand.
WHY!?
JUST WHY!?
WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!!
Punch! Punch! Punch!
With every hit my anger grew stronger.
Punch! Punch! Punch!
Punch! Punch! Punch!
Punch! Punch…
Punch…
When I finally lowered my fist, my head became so cold as if all the blood was drawn from it.
After venting out my anger, all that remained was a cool-headed resolution. Now that I've reached the answer, I swore to never repeat it again.
“One more time. This time, I won’t let her confess no matter what happens.”
My oath was so contradictory it almost made me laugh. After all, I was trying to prevent the confession from the girl I loved. No matter how you thought about it, could you really call that anything but foolish?
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